The Damage Of Pathologizing Dysfunctional Patterns Caused By Trauma

There’s a really common pattern those on the healing journey engage in, which is feeling badly about dysfunctional beliefs, behaviors, and past choices caused by trauma.

This could be having strong negative feelings about oneself, chronic overthinking, codependency, or any other number of issues. They can feel persistent regret over what they perceive as “lost” time in toxic friendships or relationships (or contrarily, too much isolation), unhealthy work environments, and/or procrastination on their dreams.

For example, maybe a person feels a terrible amount of shame for being a people pleaser, but the reason they developed these tendencies was because they grew up in an emotionally unsafe home where compliance was demanded.

This can be quite tragic because, on top of the pre-existing trauma they already have, they heap more negativity onto themselves by feeling shame for how they are. And dysfunctional environments naturally create traumatized individuals, which can even be the case in adulthood if a person is exposed to the toxicity long enough.

It is understandable to feel badly about how trauma has negatively shaped us, but feeling down on yourself does not help heal us. In fact, I would argue it makes things worse.

I do acknowledge that sometimes feeling badly about how we are can serve a purpose, such as when someone with an addition has to break through denial. But even under these conditions, holding shame over one’s head for an addiction actually keeps them in a lower vibration.

What is more helpful is to understand how your trauma caused you to develop certain maladaptive mechanisms.

One phrase I like to use is, “Of course I would be like that.” What this means is, of course certain traumas would produce certain belief systems and behaviors in me. It is an attitude of complete non-judmentalism as opposed to pathologization, and it feels a lot lighter.

You might worry that this approach will mean enabling or denying the negative hold something has over your life. I assure you it’s not that. You can be aware something doesn’t serve you while still giving yourself boundless compassion.

The reason this works is because, despite our best efforts, healing takes time.

Healing can take a lot of time.

It is wonderful if you are striving to become better, but healing is not something you can push either.

A lot of healing is actually about giving yourself the presence and love that you didn’t receive as a child, not treating yourself like you are defective and need to be fixed, because that approach tends to reinforce our trauma.

That’s where these kind of sayings can be really beneficial.

I would like you to try it.

Next time you find yourself feeling badly about yourself for negative beliefs or behaviors caused by trauma, gently smile and say, “Of course I would be like that,” and you will be amazed what a difference that makes.